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Welcome to a venture in Lutheran Humor. Traditionally the American Lutheran Churches were made up of two basic groups -- the Germans and the Scandinavians. The Germans brought their beer and their frankfurters and hamburgers, the Scandinavians brought their coffee and their sense of humor. Sven and Ole are a pair of Lutheran immigrants trying to adjust and adapt to new ways in a new land. Their roles are generally interchangeable depending on who is telling the joke. Sven and Ole jokes are not Politically Correct. Sven and Ole are stubborn and hardheaded (most Lutherans are!) They are also often portrayed as being incredibly stupid, though naive would be a better word. The new world is a strange place to them. What endears them most in the hearts and minds of Lutherans is that through it all they survive and remain the best of friends. Through hard work, love of ones neighbor, and devotion to God, Sven and Ole are able to carve out their portion of the American Dream. You might say Sven and Ole are the Lutheran version of St. Paul's "fools for Christ."
New stories will be added at the top of the list!
Sven and Inger were having
an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. Inger said, "Yew
should do it, because yew get up first, and den ve don't have to vait as
long to get our coffee."
Sven said, "Yew are in charge of cooking around here, and yew should do it, because that is your yob, and I can yust wait for my coffee."
Inger replies, "No, yew should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible dat da man should do the coffee."
Sven replies, "I can't believe dat, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS"
I hope you can use it. please sign it "Capt Wayner"
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (22-July-04)
Sven and Ole were standing
in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
Sven says to Ole, pointing to the sign, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I vouldn't be eating here."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (13-July-04)
After a marriage uff many
years, poor Lena vinly past avay.
Ole stood over her casket gazing at her.
Sven came up and stood beside Ole.
Ole sighed and said "Ya know, I luffed her so much, I almost told her vonce.
--Submitted by: datter uf Orval Olson and Alma Aaen Olson, his favorite yoke (13-July-04)
Sven and Ole, who are both
from Northern Minnesota, traveled down to Texas for a vacation. While walking
along a busy downtown street in Dallas, they see a sign in a store window
which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."
Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese
clothes, take 'em back to Minnesota, sell 'em to all our friends, and make
a fortune!"
Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin' 'cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know."
Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norewegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"
"Vell . . yah," says a surprised Ole . "How'd you know dat?"
The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."
--Submitted by: Yumpin Yimmy Steele (5-May-04)
Back in cowboy times, a westbound
wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days,
and then the pioneers saw an Old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn¹t go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said.
"So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Oof-da, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English- Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!!"
Submitted by: Curt from down Sout (3-May-04)
Lena and Ole were married
a long time, 45 years I tink. One day poor Ole died. Lena tinks she should
put a notice in da paper so she goes down to talk to da person in charge
of da classifieds. He asks her what she wants to put in da paper. "Yust put,
Poor Ole Died", she says.
Da person in charge says, "Look I know you and Ole was married a long time, is that all you want to say"?
"Well", say Lena, "the first tree words are free and dat's all I can afford".
"I'll give you the first 6 words for free," says the man.
"Ok", says Lena, "please put, Poor Ole died. Boat for sale".
--Submitted by: Benny from da nort woods of Visconsin (15-Mar-04)
Ole was building a pier for
his boat, in the lake down from his house. Sven comes by to see how its going
and finds Ole sitting down in a camp chair surveying the half finished pier.
Sven calls out to Ole asking him what is going on? Ole replies: "I vus doin
fine till I run out of beer"
Sven says: "So?"
Ole says: "You knows, ven yur out of Schlitz, yur out of pier".
--Submitted by: Gary, out west.(26-Feb-04)
The United States Treasury
has announced they are recalling the new Minnesota quarters.
"We are recalling all of the new Minnesota quarters that were recently issued", Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw." said Shackelford.
The winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven Peterson and Ole Johnson of Hibbing, Minnesota. Sven commented, "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
--Submitted by: Curt Sevig (15-Jan-04)
Ole calls the doctor up. "Hurry,
I tink Lena's in labor!" The doctor asks, "Is this her first baby?" Ole says,
"No this is her husband."
--Submitted by anonymous (14-Jan-04)
One dark night outside a small
town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in
a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments
from miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant. I will give $50,000 to the fire
department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring fire held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret formulas.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed of Norwegians over the age of 75. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire truck, operated by these Norwegian's, passed all the newer sleek fire trucks parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the flames.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to beat down the fire with a performance and effort you'd never ever seen.
Within a short time, the Norsk old timers managed to extinguish the fire around them. Since this also saved the secret formulas, a grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norsk fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 80-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat dam fire truck!"
--Submitted by: Yumpin Yimmy Steele (14-Jan-04)
Ole knows everybody. Ole was
bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says. ''President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Ole says, "I know him."
His boss retorts, "If you can prove that you know him I'll fly out to Washington to see him."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Ole on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."
Again the unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Ole returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'
--Submitted by anonymous (14-Jan-04)
It's the day before Thanksgiving,
and Sven the butcher is just locking up when Ole pounds on the door. "Please
let me in," says Ole "I forgot to buy da turkey, and my vife Lena vill kill
me if I don't come home wid vun."
"OK" says Sven butcher. "Let me see vat's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show Ole.
"That vun's too skinny. Vhat else have yew got?" Ole asks.
Sven takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes, then brings the same turkey back out to Ole.
"Oh no," says Ole, "dat vun doesn't look any better. Yew better give me both of dem."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (27-Nov-03)
Sven & Ole were working
in a factory and were talking on their coffee break.
"I tink I'll take some time off from da vork." says Sven.
"How do you tink you'll do dat?" asks Ole.
Sven proceeds to show Ole...he climbs up to the rafters, and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees Sven hanging from the ceiling, and asks him what on earth he is doing? "I'm da light bulb" answers Sven.
"I think you need some time off," says the boss.
So, Sven jumps down and walks out of the factory.
Ole starts walking out too.
The boss asks Ole "where do you think your going?
Ole answers, "Home, I can't vork in the dark".
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (17-Nov-03)
Sven asks his friend Ole "Vair
is your vife Lena?"
Ole says "Lena and her friends vent tew da Islands for a vacation"
Sven says "Jamaica"
Ole replies " No, she vanted tew go"
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (17-Nov-03)
Sven was a Ford dealer in
a small town on highway 61 north east of Duluth. Over the years it had been
a struggle to make a living but, he always survived. The last few years had
not been good, what with a slow economy and all the imports, at last Sven
had to close up shop. It sadden him to have to lay off his loyal employees,
but what else could he do.
Sven shut down the dealership and boarded up the windows and was taking one last look around when he spotted an old oil can. This was and old brass oil can that was standard equipment on the model "T" and must have been lying around for years. Sven picked up an old rag and began to rub away the dirt and grime when much to his amazement out pops a Genie. The Genie says to Sven " thank you for releasing me and because you were so kind I will grant you one wish." Good old Sven thinks about this for a while and finally says " I vish I vas a foreign dealer in da major city" The Genie says "DONE" Poooooof there is Sven a Chrysler dealer in downtown Tokyo.
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (17-Nov-03)
Now you will know the TRUTH
about why people are so proficient with computers in Minnesota...
A Minnesotan's Guide to Computer Lingo:
BYTE: how Lena stops Ole's advances.
LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible.
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove.
MEGAHERTZ: ven a big log drops on your foot.
COMPACT DISK: vhat ya get from lifting logs dat's too heavy.
FLOPPY DISK: vhat da lefse looks like vhen it's cooked yust right.
RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork.
DRIVE: how you get home ven da snow's not too deep.
HARD DRIVE: dat's vhen you're going to Dalute vhen da snow's deep.
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season.
ENTER: vhen ya come on in!
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out.
SCREEN: vaht ya gotta have in blackfly season.
CHIP: vhat ya munch on during da Vikings game.
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone.
MODEM: vhat ve did to da hayfields last yuly.
DOT MATRIX: Lars Matrix's vife.
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit.
KEYBOARD: vher ya suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find em.
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utinsils.
HARDWARE: vhen da missus starches da undervare.
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem turds in da cupboard.
MAINFRAME: da part of da outhouse dat holds up da roof.
SERIAL PORT: vhere da vheaties come from by boat to Dalute
UFF DA!!
--Submitted by: Anonymous (17-Nov-03)
Ole &Sven die and wake
up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them
dressed in parkas,mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around a fire.
The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?
Ole &Sven reply, "Vell ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're just happy for the chance to warm up a bit, don 't ya know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you two feel that?"
Again Ole &Sven reply, "Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve're from nordern Minnesoda, the land ice and snow and cold. Ve're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit ya know."
This gets the devil a bit steamed and he decides to show these two just who is in charge down here. He cranks up the heat as high as it can go. The rest of the people are screaming and miserable. He stops by to see if his two Minnesota tenants are the same, and is astonished to find them in light jackets and baseball caps, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil says "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!! Why?"
To which Ole &Sven reply, "Vell, ya know ve don't get too many varm days up dere in International Falls, ve just got to have a fish fry vhen the veather is this nice."
This absolutely incenses the devil, he can barely see straight. He finally comes up with a plan to set these two straight. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives, so he decides to turn off all the heat. The next morning, the temperature in hell is below zero, icicles are hanging off the ceilings, people are shivering so much that they don't even have the strength to complain. The devil smiles and heads over to check on Ole &Sven. He arrives and finds the two back in their parkas, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, and giving each other hi-fives. The devil is now quite dumbfounded, "I just don't understand, I turn up the heat and you're happy. Now I turn off the heat, it's freezing and you're still happy. Why?"
Ole &Sven stop their celebration and look at the devil with a surprised look and say "Vell, don't ya know, hell froze over .......dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!!!"
--Submitted by: Ronald Arndt (15-Sept-03)
Sven and Ole were fishing
at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped
the Game Warden. Immediately, Ole threw his rod down and started running
through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about
a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his
thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, Ole pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license."Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yah," replied Ole, "Boot Sven back dere, he don't have vun..."
--Submitted by: Michael Boger (08-Sept-03)
Ole Vas Milkin his prize cow
Bessy and "chewin da fat" wit Sven. A large fly flew in to the barn and started
to really pester Ole. Ole told da fly to go pester Sven. The fly flew off
into the ear of the cow. A few minutes later it was a svimen in da milk in
da bucket. Sven looks at the scene and says to Ole "Ya Ole In one ear and
out the Udder"
--Submitted by: Anonymous (08-Sept-03)
Sven: "Ole, stand in front
of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (21-June-03)
Three dead bodies turn up
at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls
the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Sven the Norwegian fom Minnesota, 45, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (21-June-03)
One day, Sven and Ole were
driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Ole, said,
"Look up ahead Sven it's a Police roadblock Ve are gonna get busted for drinkin'
deese beers!" "Don't worry Ole, " Sven said. "Ve'll chust pull over and finish
drinkin' deese beers, peel off da label and stick it on our foreheads, den
throw da bottles under da seat." "What for?" asked Ole. "Chust let me do
the talkin', okay?" said Sven. They finished their beers, threw the empty
bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they
reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No
sir, " said Sven, "ve're on da patch."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (21-June-03)
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian.and my name isn't Valter."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (21-June-03)
One evening after dinner,
a five-year-old Lars noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his
father Sven, "Where did Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at da Tuppervare party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"
Sven had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Vell, son," he said, "At da Tuppervare party, a bunch of da ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime...
Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (21-June-03)
Sven, Ole, and Lars, were
stumbling home late one night after the "Sons of Norway" meeting and found
themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look
over here", says Lars, "It's Gunnar Anderson's grave, God bless his soul,
he lived to da ripe old age of 87." "Dat's nothin", says Ole, "here's vun
named Yon Yohnson. It says here dat he vas 95 ven he died." Just then, Sven
yells out, "Vell here's a fella dat died ven he vas 145 years old!" "Vhat
vas his name?" asks Ole. Sven lights a match to see what else is written
on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Minneapolis."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (21-June-03)
Ole went to Sven limping badly.
'Sven' says Ole, 'do yiew know of a good doctor? M'leg hurts.'
'Ya' says Sven, 'Go see my cousin Hilding, I give you da number.'
Fianally getting an appointment, Ole explained to Dr. Hilding in his office, 'M'leg is hurting me, bad!'
'Let's take a look' said Hilding.
'Yust vun minute' said Ole, 'I tell you someting about me. I am vun of dos special Nowegians dat is gifted. I tell you I haf the gift of a TALKING LEG!'
'Another crazy Norwegian,' thought Hilding. But, he decided to humor Ole, 'OK, Ole, explain.'
'Vell, I haf no stetoscope so I can't hear m'leg. Yust put yur stetoscope on m'leg... on m'tigh an listen.'
Hilding placed the stethoscope in his ears, then put the other end on Ole's thigh. His hair [what little he had] stood on end as he heard, 'I need forty dollars!'
Stunned, Hilding jumped back, but Ole said, 'Now put it on m'knee!' This time, Hilding heard 'I need tirty dollars!'
'Now on m'ankle!' said Ole. From the ankle, Hilding heard 'I need tventy dollars!'
"Well, I've never heard of such a thing' said Dr. Hilding. 'I must go check m'books!'
Hilding went into his inside office and Ole could hear him shuffling and muttering to himslef. After about 5 minutes Dr. Hilding came out with his glasses perched on the end of his nose, saying 'I found what's wrong Ole, hear it is right in my book. The problem with your leg is, is that it's BROKE!'
--Submitted by: Marty Fors from Vermont (15-April-03)
Did ya hear da vun about Sven
un Katrina?! Sven told her to round up de horses, and ven he vent to check
on her, Dey ver in a circle.
--Submitted by: For my dear friend Katharinavich (7-March-03)
Ole's favorite cafe, the "Dew
Drop In," was having a little free-give-a-way promotion to drum up winter
business. Every coffee cup had a peel-off label, which when peeled off, would
tell you what you'd won; Like a free cup of coffee or a free breakfast or
a free doughnut, etc. Ole walked in, sat down and ordered a cup of coffee.
He peeled off the label and started jumping up and down shouting, "I von
the RV, I von the RV, oh boy, I won the RV." The waitress comes over and
asked, "Ole, vats all da commotion here?" Ole's still jumping around shouting,
"I won a RV, Ya betcha, I von a RV. Lookie here, it says I von the RV." "Why,
Ole," the waitress says, "I don't tink dar is any RV in this contest, ust
coffee and stuff." "I'll go get the manager." "Tell him I vun, tell him I
vun da RV," Ole shouts. Sven the manager comes over and says, "Settle down
Ole, vat's goin on?" "Right here, on this sticker it says I vun the RV. Me,
Ole"! "I vun a RV." "Let me see da cup." "Ole, Ole, Ole," Sven says, shaking
his head, "dis says 'Win A Bagel'!!!
--Submitted by: DA Johnson, over in SD (7-March-03)
Sven was having some problems
with lovemaking, so he went to see the doctor. The doctor told him:"Sven,
you need to get in shape. I want you to walk 3 miles a day for the next two
weeks." After two weeks Sven called the doctor to tell him that he had done
what he was told. The doctor asked him: Well, Sven, I'll bet your lovemaking
problems are over." Sven said "How would I know - I'm 50 miles away from
home."
--Submitted by: Christa Karycinski (7-March-03)
Sven decided to go hunting
with his buddy, Ole. They loaded up Sven's truck and headed up to northern
Minnesota.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't vorry," Sven said. "Ve'll be happy to sleep in da barn. And if da veather breaks, ve'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and Sven and Ole found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of hunting.
About nine months later, Sven got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the hunting trip.
He dropped in on his friend Ole and asked, "Ole, do you remember dat good-looking vidow from da farm ve stayed at on our hunting trip up North?"
"Ya, I do," said Ole.
"Did you happen to get up in da middle of da night, go up to da house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Ole said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit dat I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Ole's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, Sven. I'm afraid I did. Vy do you ask?"
"She yust died and left me everything."
--Submitted by: Yumpin’ Yimmy (11-Feb-03)
Did you hear that Sven met,
fell in love with and married a cute little Palestinian girl? A year later
they became the proud parents of a healthy baby boy. Of course, they named
him Yassir YouBetcha!
Sven was walking along the
shore of lake Superior near Silver Bay, when he came across this croded piece
of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the crosion. Lo and behold
it was a very old oil lamp. Sven started to buff it to remove the verdigris
when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to
be freed of the lamp that he granted Sven 3 wishes.
"I Vish to be a dollar richer den dat guy Bill Gates, " says Sven.
"Sven," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I vant da most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and da finest audio system dat vas ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Sven," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks Sven for his third wish.
Sven mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. Sven found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
"Genie," Sven said, "I can't tink of anything now. Maybe I save da tird vish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
Sven carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled onto Highway 61 and headed south towards Duluth. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. Sven was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I vish I vas an Oscar-Mayer Viener...
--Submitted by: Capt Wayner (Oct - 02)
Sven, Ole, and Lars were pulled
out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very
bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were
smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the
training. Things had not gone well so far.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows Lars a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
Lars answers, "dat's easy, ve'll catch him fast because he only has vun eye!"
The police Chief says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at Ole and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
Ole laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy tocatch because he only has vun ear!"
The police Chief angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he show the picture to Sven and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
Sven looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... da suspect vear's da CONTACT LENSES Ya?"
The police Chief is surprised and speechless because he knows the suspect DOES wear contact lenses. "Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"Yumpin yimminy dat's easy," Sven replieds. "He can't vear da REGULAR glasses because he only has vun eye and vun ear. . ."
Sven a Minnesota State Policeman
pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles south of Minneapolis on Highway
52. When Sven asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that
he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to St. Paul to do a show
that night and didn't want to be late. Sven told the driver that he was
fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him
that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent
all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. Sven told
him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could
juggle them. The juggler said he could, so Sven got three flares and lit
them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling
act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a very drunk Ole got out and
looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and
got in.
Sven saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked Ole what he thought he was doing. Ole replied, "Yust take me to yail... ain't no way I'm gonna pass dat test."
In the back woods of Minnisota,
Sven's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, Sven you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Sven!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one to come yet." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one!" cried the doctor.
Then Sven scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ja tink it's da light that's attractin' them?"
Ollie had just bought a motorcycle
and was riding around town with Sven on the back. While at a stop light Ollie
noticed a policeman had pulled up right behind them.This bothered Ollie because
he didn't have a drivers liscence. Quick thinking Ollie decided to make a
right turn and hopefully throw the police off his trail. Yet because he was
a little nervous the front tire popped a wheely just as he took off. Cooly
he recovered himself and continued to ride for about three miles. "Sven"
"Is dat policeman following us?"...."Sven????"
The Minneapolis Electrical
company was having a contest to see who could set poles the bestest and the
fastest. So Ole and Sven gathered some of their buddies together to enter
the contest. At the end of the day they had set three poles and the best
team had set 12!! When ask about come they only got three put in the ground,
Ole said " sure they set more poles then we did but did you see how much
they left out of the ground? "
Minnesota's worst air disaster
occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed
into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning. Ole and Sven, working
as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
--Submitted by: James M. Olson (25-02-02)
The Norwegian Curling team
was disqualified when Ole and Sven were caught using Swiffer Wet Jets.
--Submitted by: Stormin Norman (19-02-02)
It seems that Ole was sitting
in a bar with his best friend, Sven. "I chust don't know," Ole complained.
"I come home and Lena don't have my dinner ready. Seems to me a man ought
to be able to have a hot meal when he comes from work. It ain't right, you
know."
"Oh," Sven said, "I had a problem like that. I would come home and the house would be messy. I told my wife, "From now on, I expect the house to be clean when I get home!"
"And vot happened?" Ole inquired.
"The first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. The third day, I see that the house is clean as a whistle."
"Wow! Chust like that!?"
"Yeah, just like that. I wear the pants in my family."
"By golly, I vill try that myself!" exclaimed Ole.
A couple of weeks later Ole runs into Sven, and Sven says, "So what happened, Ole? Did you tell your wife you expected dinner on the table when you get home?"
"You betcha," said Ole. "Chust like you said. I told her what's what."
"So what happened?" Sven asked.
"Oh, pretty much like with you. The first day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The second day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The third day, I come home, I can maybe see just a little bit out of my left eye."
--Submitted by: Anonymous (31-01-02)
Sven & Ole were working
for the city of Minneapolis. Sven would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig.
Ole would come along and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. Sven and Ole worked
furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to Sven the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes along behind you and fills it up again!"
Sven, hole digger replied, "Yeah, I suppose it does look funny, but Lars, the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
--Submitted by: Capt. Wayner (31-01-02)
Those in Minnesota may not
know this, but Ole was shot. He was up with his 4-wheeler cutting some trees
by the Canadian border.
Some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him and using the loudspeaker, shouted to him, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE... BIN LOGGIN!"
--Submitted by: S. Tofstad (31-01-02)
Ole and Sven were watchin
TV when Evil Knevil tried to jump the Grand Canyon. Ole bursts out and says
" I tink I can jump tree Combines with my John Deere tractor!"
"ya tink?" asks Sven...
"Ooh Yea I tink I can!" says Ole...
Well, word went out all over the county, and everyone pitched in to help build the big ramp.
Finaly the day arrived: There was Ole on his John Deere "B" tracter. One proud Svede on top of the hill.
Sven Yells "GO OLE, GO!"
Here comes Ole, and I tell ya, he had the John Deere tracter a popin' Down he comes and fly's across that ramp,,, Clears the first Combine, then, Clears the second Combine,, and then crashes into the third Combine with a terrible racket!!! They all come runnin to his rescue, ya know!!
Sven franticly asks "You alright, you alright?"
"Ya I'm OK..." answers Ole
"did I make it?" asks Ole...
"Na, you didn't make" says Sven...
They just look at each other for a moment, Ole asks "Whatcha tink we oughta do next time?"
Sven replies "i'm not shure, but maybe ya need to lift the plow up."
Sven and Ole were out hunting
and got so hopelessly lost. Sven said you shouldn't walk around because you
tend to walk in circles. Stay in one place, shot three times into the air,
wait 15 minutes for someone to find you. They did this and noone came so
they shot into the air one more time and waited 15 minutes more. Still nobody
came. After trying this a third time with no results, Ole said, "I hope somebody
finds us pretty soon, I'm running out of arrows.
In an apparent copycat terrorist
act, terrorists Sven and Ole Binladenstrom have hijacked a Goodyear blimp.
So far, they have bounced off 5 buildings.
More details to follow...
Osama Bin Laden was sitting
in his cave plotting terrorist strategy when his telephone rang. "Hallo,
Mr. Bin Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Ole down at da Viking
Pub in Ringebu, Norway. I am ringing to inform you dat ve are officially
declaring war on you".
"Well Ole," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Vell, right now," said Ole, after a moments calculation, "dere is myself, my cousin Engebert, my next door neighbor Gulbrand and da entire drinking club from the Pub. Dat makes eight!"
Osama paused, "I must tell you Ole, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Uffda!" said Ole. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Ole called again. "Mr. Bin Laden, the war is still on! Ve have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Ole?" Osama asked.
"Vell, ve have two combines, a bulldozer, Lars's farm tractor and twelve lefsa rollers!"
Osama sighed, "I must tell you Ole, that I have 15,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
"Double Uffdas!" said Ole. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Ole rang again the next day. "Mr. Ben Laden, the var is still on! Ve have managed to get ourselves airborne! Ve've modified Engebretsen's ultra-light vith a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from Larsdatters farm have joined us as vell."
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Ole, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Uffda ma tousand." said Ole. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Ole called again the next day. "Mornin, Mr. Bin Laden! I am sorry to tell you that ve have had to call off the war."
"I am sorry to hear that." said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Vell," said Ole, "Ve've all had a long chat over a bottle of Aquavit and decided that there is no vay ve can feed two million prisoners."
--Submitted by: Anonymous (31-01-02)
Sven is in bed with his wife
Inger when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says Inger. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is Ole standing at the door. It didn't take Sven long to realize Ole was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs Ole. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says Sven and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells Inger what happened.
She says, "Sven, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on Ole's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But Ole was drunk," says Sven.
"It doesn't matter," says Inger. "He needs our help and to help him would be the decent thing to do."
So Sevn gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see Ole anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see Ole he shouts, "Where are you?"
Ole replies, "Over here, on the swing."
--Submitted by: Anonymous
Uncle asked for a pair of
loafers for Christmas ...
So we sent Sven & Ollie!
--Submitted by: Dat couple in Maine! (06-09-01)
One Sunday after church Sven
meets Ole in the parking lot and notices that Ole has a big black eye. Sven
says "Ole, Vat happen'd??!?"
Ole says "Vell, ya know how hot it's been lately?"
Sven listening with a worried look says "Ya".
Ole says "Vell, vee ver sitting in church and ven vee stood up to sing da hymn the lady in front of me had her dress stuck between her buuns, so I pulled it out and I tink she didn't like dat"
The next week, Sven and Ole meet up in the church parking lot on Sunday morning but this time Ole's other eye is swelled up and black while the original shiner is healing. This time Sven, even more concerned says "Yumpin' Yiminey, Ole! Vat happened!!??"
So Ole says "Vell, ya know how hot it's been lately?"
Sven, shaking his head says "Ya".
Ole says "Vell, vee ver sitting in church and ven vee stood up to sing da hymn the lady in front of me had her dress stuck between her buuns and den da fella next to me, he pulled it out and, of course, I stuck it back in but I guess she didn't like dat."
--Submitted by: Kit Hill, First Covenant Church, Oakland, Ca (22-06-01)
Poor Ole! He answered the
phone and came back to the living room crying.
"Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena.
"I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!"
Just then the rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.
"Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?" asked Lena.
"Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"
--Submitted by: Anonymous (04-05-01)
A tourist going through the
Northwest, suffered a slight accident. Unable to find his monkey-wrench he
went to a farm house and inquired of the Swede owner:
"Have you a monkey-wrench here?"
"Naw," replied the Swede. "My brother bane got a cattle rench over there; my cousin got a sheep rench down there; but too cold for a monkey rench here."
--Submitted by: Ingmar (11-04-01)
A non-churchgoer, Ole was
finally prevailed upon by his friends and family to read the Bible. Asked
sometime thereafter what he thought of the Scriptures, Ole scratched his
head and muttered:
"Vell, I don't know. De Bible for sure says a lot about St. Paul, but it don't say nuttin' about Minneapolis!"
--Submitted by: Mark Jaeger (21-03-01)
Ole was migrating to the US,
via ship. While crossing the North Sea during extremely rough weather, Ole
is hanging over the rail, vomiting violently. A sailor came by and asked,
“What wrong, Ole, a weak stomach?” Ole replied, “No, I don’t
tink so, I’m puking yust about as far as anyone else”
--Submitted by: annonymous (21-03-01)
Ole was in a shop buying
kjöttbullar, and wanted to pay with his creditcard. The storekeeper
told him to identify himself, so Ole pulled out a mirror, looked in it and
replied: "Yup, thats me!"
--Submitted by: Tor Even Duklaet, genuine Norwegian from Gjoevik! (06-03-01)
Well, Sven and Ole were heading
into town for a Sons of Norway function, one day, talking about the bible
as they walked....
"Ya know da ting I don’t get, Sven" says Ole, "is why Yesus had ta use up one of dem miracles ta valk on da vadder ven he coulda yust vaited til da vinter time!"
"Din idiot!" says Sven, "Yesus was born down der in da Holy Land, not in Norvay! It don’t never freeze down der."
Ole is outraged by his friends blatant sacrilege. "Ikke sant!" he replies, "I heard from da tree visest men I know dat Yessus was from Norvay! When I was a little boy in Kongsberg, we had ta cross a bridge ta get back ta town from dat old church on da hill. I used lean way over da side of da bridge ta look down at dem rapids and da vadderfall, and every time, my grandfadder came running over yelling ‘Oh, Yesus! I’m so glad you didn’t fall in!' Dats because Yesus was Baptised der in da river! And ven I go ta da bank in town, dat der smart Mr. Ericcson who does all dat adding and reads dem big books dey got der, he always looks up at da sky and says, ‘Oh, Yesus! Why don’t ya yust go back ta Norvay!’ And yust da udder day I saw Pastor Olson in da post office, and he told me dat he was going ta try ta get some new pulpit for da church, so I told him dat it sounded like a pretty bad trade ta me, ‘cause dat old church already got a pulpit, and it ain’t no good ta have a pulpit wit no church. And he said, ‘Yesus! Vat a typical Norvegian!’, vich I guess was some sort of compliment ta say tanks for eksplaining tings. Dose are da tree visest men I know, and Da Tree Vise men is in Da Bible, so dey gotta be right!"
Sven is just shaking his head as he listens to his friend’s explanation. Finally, after a little while he says to Ole, "I know ya tink dat Yesus is from Norvay, and I don’t vant ta say nutting bad about dem tree vise men of yours, but Da Tree Vise Men in Da Bible came from da east!"
The two friends continue walking without saying a word, and after a little while Sven notices that Ole is crying, which is a very strange thing for a full grown Norwegian man to do.
"Uff da!" says Sven, "You can’t be crying yust ‘cause I told ya dat Yesus vasn’t born in Norvay!" "Nei, Nei, it’s not dat." says Ole, "It’s yust dat part about Da Tree Vise Men coming from da east. I already knew about Mr. Ericcson and da Pastor, I yust didn't ever know dat my own grandfadder was a Svede before!"
(In case your geography is a bit rusty; if Jesus had been born in Norway, the Three Wise Men would still had to have come from the east, which, of course, is Sweden.)
When Ole moved north he discovered
that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That
was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every
Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the attempting aroma was
getting the best of them.
Hoping they could do something to stop this, the Neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole, Eventually convincing him to joining their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But The following Friday evening at suppertime, there was Again the aroma of grilled deer steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying "You were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut," now you are a fish!"
Vell, it seems Ole got himself
a job as a busdriver. Sven says "So Ole, does your bus go to Duluth?" Ole
says "No, No. It goes beep beep."
--Submitted by: Rand Higbee (19-02-01)
Ole and Sven had spent all
day training their new bird dog with no success. Finally, Ole said to Sven
"Yust trow him up once more, and, if he doesn't fly this time , yust shoot
him"
--Submitted by: K. Tweed (31-01-01)
Sven & Ole went fishing
one day in their boat. After they had been out there for awhile Sven hooks
a big one. As he is trying to reel it in Ole falls in the lake. Sven knows
Ole can't swim but keeps reeling the fish in anyway. He finaly gets the fish
into the boat and then dives in to save Ole. He goes deep down and grabs
him by the collar and hauls him up to the boat. After much struggle he gets
Ole into the boat and Sven starts mouth to mouth. "Man Ole, your breath in
awful and when did you put on that snow mobile outfit"?
--Submitted by: Dave Strom (01-01-01)
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